I can't trust anyone. Those I chose to confide in have fucked me once again. I've lost a brother. The town I grew up in has grown hollow and suspicious: I'm again the kid you cannot make eye contact with. She's so cold. Sure. Setting relationship aside to focus on self sufficiency, self awareness, is fine. But this is different. I didn't realize I would be met with emotionlessness with an edge of
"fuck you."
I'm falling again.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Why can't I control myself?
Guess I wouldn't wanna be with someone like me either. Why would anybody?
I wish I were more of a writer. As it stands right now I'll hang on, if only because I can't send my last message to the world written shittily.
"Be the Benjamin she fell in love with, the Benjamin she'll wanna come back to." Great advice from a true friend (I think?) but how am I supposed to be this person when my future with the only person I've ever loved teeters on the fucking edge?
And what the fuck happened to working on consistency?
This is far from fair to me.
If we make it through this I'll be the greatest person in the fucking world for putting up with all this bullshit for so long.
My mind's made up.
And I'm waiting....
For how much longer I can't say.